


How Not To Say 'I Love You'

by iceytoshiro



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Infidelity, M/M, based off of a roleplay, chat-style, davekat - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-21
Updated: 2015-12-18
Packaged: 2018-01-20 05:00:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1497562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iceytoshiro/pseuds/iceytoshiro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Entertaining banter between our favorite knights that eventually turns into a whole lot of romantic drama. It starts out seeming like Kismessitude but it's Matespritship, I promise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Even Striders Need Help Sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fanfiction-thing I've ever posted, so be nice, but if you have constructive criticism it would be greatly appreciated. Whelp, here goes. (I hope my these guys are even remotely in character... I tried...)
> 
> Edit: it somehow just occured to me that I should credit the original roleplayers... Dave was me, Karkat was http://mituna-lovelatula-captor.tumblr.com/, and Jane was http://ember-firestone.tumblr.com/
> 
> Another edit: Please feel free to harass me for not updating frequently enough. It will help motivate me to be less of a lame potato.

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: HEY BULGEMUNCH.

TG: oh boy what is it now

CG: I FOUND YOUR «IRONIC» SELFIES AND I MUST SAY, THEY ARE SO STUPID THAT THEY SOMEHOW MANAGE TO SURPASS THE ECHELONS OF SHEER STUPIDITY YOU YOURSELF MANAGE TO REACH.

CG: WHAT IS SO PARTICULARLY «IRONIC» ABOUT THEM ANYWAYS? THEY ARE LITERALLY JUST LAME PHOTOGRAPHS OF YOURSELF.

TG: cmon we both know youve been masturbating to them

CG: IN YOUR DREAMS STRIDER!

CG: THAT PROSPECT IS SO UNBELIEVABLY NAUSEATING THAT I FIND MYSELF TRYING NOT TO PUKE ALL OVER THE FLOOR LIKE A SICK GRUB AT THE MERE THOUGHT OF IT.

CG: I WOULD _NEVER_!

TG: yeah keep saying that

CG: WOW DAVE, BY SAYING THAT YOU KIND OF OBVIOUSLY HINT THAT _YOU_ MASTURBATE TO _MY_ PICTURES.

CG: WAY TO GO VERITABLE KING OF SUBTLETY.

TG: dude thats not possible i dont even have any pictures of you

CG: I THOUGHT YOU DID?

CG: WELL I MUST BE WRONG, BUT DID YOU JUST IMPLY YOU WOULD IF YOU DID?

TG: no what are you talking about

TG: you should send me a picture though

CG: WHAT?

CG: STRIDER, I DON'T TAKE SELFIES.

CG: BUT... I MEAN, IT'S TOTALLY LAME, BUT, I.....

TG: is that a «yeah dave ill send you a hot nude»

CG: HELL NO! WHY THE HELL WOULD I SEND NAKED PICTURES OF MYSELF?

CG: ESPECIALLY TO YOU. THAT'S ABSOLUTELY REVOLTING, STRIDER.

CG: I'LL SEND YOU A «SELFIE» THOUGH, I GUESS.

CG: GRUBSUCKER.

TG: ill take what i can get

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an idle troll!  \--

TG: im still waiting for that selfie ive got my dick ready and everything

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "[THIS_IS_FUCKING_STUPID.jpg](http://i.imgur.com/LodbauY.png)" --

CG: THAT'S DISGUSTING. YOU ARE LITERALLY ONE OF THE MOST DISGUSTING PIECES OF FILTH TO EVER WALK YOUR BULLSHIT PLANET EARTH.

CG: JUST TAKE THIS STUPID «SELFIE», WASTE CHUTE NIBBLER.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "[HAPPY_NOW?](http://i.imgur.com/xZWqfXc.png)" --

CG: THESE STUPID «SELFIE» THINGS ARE HARD. WHY ARE HUMAN PHONES SO DIFFICULT TO USE?

CG: I'M PRETTY SURE THEY WERE DESIGNED BY THE MOST INCOMPETENT SLIME YOUR PLANET HAS TO COUGH UP, AND THEN MASS PRODUCED TO SELL TO ALL THE OTHER VULGAR SLIME BEASTS.

CG: LIKE YOU, DAVE.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "[FUCK_YOU.jpg](http://i.imgur.com/je6GU2s.png)" --

CG: AND DON'T YOU DARE EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING THE THING WITH THESE «IRONIC SELFIES» YOU PIECE OF DIARRHOEIC WASTE.

TG: god damn it why is the resolution on my phone so shitty

TG: this thing is hella ironic

TG: but not very practical unfortunately

CG: WHO CARES, JUST TAKE THE SELFIES AND SHUT UP. THAT IS, IF YOU CAN MUSTER UP THE THOUGHT POWER FROM THE PATHETIC EMPTY HULL WHERE YOUR THINKPAN SHOULD BE.

CG: I AM GOING TO GET OUT OF MY SLEEP CLOTHES AND WALK AROUND IN THIS WONDERFUL WEATHER.

CG: IRONICALLY.

TG: just bring your phone

TG: im not done harassing you yet

CG: YEAH, YEAH.

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: I'M STILL IN MY SLEEP CLOTHES...

CG: I GUESS, THEY ARE WARM, AND I DON'T REALLY WANT TO MOVE...

TG: yeah

TG: weve all been there

TG: bros driving me home right now

CG: AND WHY SHOULD I BE BOTHERED TO CARE ABOUT ANY OF THE TRIVIAL AND SENSELESS THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO YOU?

CG: I HAVE WAY BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN INDULGE IN YOUR ASININE UPDATES AS TO THE FUTILE BULLSHIT THAT HAPPENS IN YOUR WORTHLESS AND MEANINGLESS EXCUSE FOR A LIFE.

TG: says the one pestering me

TG: also

TG: youre an ass dude

CG: OH _YOU'RE_ ONE TO TALK.

CG: YOU ARE THE GREATEST ASSLICKING DOUCHENOZZLE THE WORLD HAS EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF KNOWING.

CG: HERE, WHY DON'T I SAY IT IN TERMS YOUR PATHETICALLY SPARING HUMAN INTELLECT CAN SOMEWHAT COMPREHEND:

CG: YOU'RE DISGUSTING, DAVE STRIDER.

TG: keep telling yourself that but we both know you dont mean it

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: STRIDER.

CG: I CAN'T. FIND. MY. FLUFFY. SWEATER.

CG: WHAT DO I DO?

TG: i dunno just wear something else

CG: NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I NEED IT.

TG: dude i dont know what to tell you

TG: did you look through all your clothes

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an idle troll!  \--

TG: i need to take a shower you can have fun imagining me shower while you look for your sweater thing

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: I FOUND IT. 

CG: WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET SUCH A FAR FETCHED IDEA AS THAT I WOULD EVEN BE REMOTELY INTERESTED IN CONSIDERING IMAGINING THE GROSS SQUISHY PINK HULL YOU CALL A HUMAN BODY.

CG: ESPECIALLY YOURS DAVE, WHICH I'M SURE IS ESPECIALLY REPUGNANT.

TG: sure whatever

TG: have fun and try not to get your weird alien cum everywhere

CG: OH MY GOG.

CG: DAVE, STOP.

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! \--

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an idle troll!  \--

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: DAVE STRIDER. GET OUT OF THE SHOWER AND TALK TO ME YOU UTTER PIECE OF FILTH.

TG: calm your tits im here

TG: i know youre like my number one fangirl but even celebrities need to wash themselves

TG: i shaved my legs too

TG: theyre so smooth a car could swerve out of control on them

CG: OH SHUT UP DAVE.

CG: I'M, NOT A «FANGIRL», WHATEVER THE HELL THAT MEANS.

CG: IT'S PROBABLY SOMETHING REALLY STUPID CONSIDERING THE ONE BABBLING IT IS A SHITSTAIN-EMBELLISHED NOOKLICKING IDIOT.

TG: lies

CG: OH MY EVER LOVING GOG DAVE, I WOULD HONESTLY LIKE TO KNOW WHAT LOATHSOME MISSHAPEN HORROR TERROR SUFFERED A BOUT OF SURPRISE FLATULENCE TO CREATE YOU.

TG: whats wrong with you

CG: I CARE TOO MUCH, THAT'S WHAT.

TG: dude

TG: what

CG: WHAT?

CG: SO ANYWAYS, MAKE ANY NEW EARBLEED INDUCING «SONGS» LATELY?

TG: is karkitty having problems

TG: id better get out my shitty lab coat and clipboard and take some notes

TG: be like fucking rose up in here

CG: UGH. STRIDER, I'M PERFECTLY FINE.

CG: DON'T YOU DARE EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, YOU UNSIGHTLY DOUCHENOZZLE.

TG: dude im kidding

TG: even if there was something itd be none of my business

CG: …...

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "[HERE_ASSFUCK.jpg](http://i.imgur.com/jKm813q.png)" --

CG: I HAVE TO ADMIT, THIS WHOLE HUMAN «SELFIE» THING ISN'T AS IMMEDIATELY BILE-INDUCING AS I FIRST THOUGHT.

CG: IN FACT, IT'S ACTUALLY ALMOST RESEMBLANT TO A DECENTLY SANE AND NOT COMPLETELY MIND-NUMBLINGLY STUPID ACTIVITY.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "[BASK_IN_IT.jpg](http://i.imgur.com/7P85RjM.png)" --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "[HELL_FUCKING_YES.jpg](http://i.imgur.com/BYsjmPg.png)" --

TG: wow

TG: dork alert

TG: call the fucking dork police

TG: weve got a runner

CG: I'M NOT A DORK YOU SACK OF DIARRHOEIC WRIGGLERS' FECAL MATTER.

TG: nope you are totally a dork

TG: youre like the final boss in the dork game

TG: the greatest dork of all

TG: all hail the king dork

CG: WELL IN THAT CASE YOU MUST BE KING DOUCHE, STRIDER.

TG: woah hey now that was offensive

TG: better call kankri there is some serious triggering going on here

CG: OH GOG. PLEASE DON'T.

CG: PLEASE.

TG: i dunno im kinda tempted

CG: NO, PLEASE!

CG: DAVE!

CG: I'LL DO ANYTHING JUST DON'T CALL KANKRI, PLEASE!

TG: oh my god calm down

TG: you need to learn to tell when im joking

CG: WELL DON'T JOKE ABOUT THAT YOU INCOMPETENT BULGEMUNCH!

TG: sure whatever

CG: YOU MAKE ME SO MAD STRIDER. EVEN MORE MAD THAN THE REST OF YOU OBNOXIOUS, PINK, PATHETIC BLOBS.

CG: YOU SUMMON THE DEEPEST, PUREST HATE FROM DEEP WITHIN THE DEEPEST RECESSES OF MY THINKPAN, AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU IN PERSON I WILL SHOW YOU JUST HOW DEEP THIS ANIMOSITY LIES.

CG: PREFERABLY WITH A PUNCH TO THE CARTILAGE NUB AND A BIG 'FUCK YOU' TO GO ALONG WITH IT.

TG: wow that was one hell of a caliginous confession there champ

TG: you just blew me away

TG: i am basically swooning right now

TG: where are the rings we gotta invite everyone to our weird alien hate-wedding

CG: DID YOU JUST.

CG: NO, STRIDER.

CG: JUST...

CG: FORGET IT, NEVER MIND.

CG: I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO BOTHER INDULGING IN YOUR STUPID WRIGGLER-ESQUE MIND PLAY.

CG: NOT THIS TIME.

TG: oh

TG: i didnt hear a denial

CG: DO US ALL A FAVOUR AND SHUT YOUR GROTESQUE MEAT FLAPPERS, STRIDER.

CG: YOU ARE SO WRONG IT'S A MIRACLE YOUR HUMAN SHAME GLOBES HAVEN'T SOMEHOW IMPLODED WITH THE SHEER AUDACITY OF THE OBVIOUS DISTORTION YOU JUST MADE.

TG: am i though

CG: YOU ARE, NOOKSPONGE.

TG: you dont sound very sure karkitten

TG: okay so what quadrant is it

CG: …

CG: I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE INCOMPETENT BLATHER ERUPTING FROM YOUR VILE AND BIZARRE FACE HOLE.

TG: cmon dude we all know you have the major hots for me

TG: that was never a secret

TG: so whatll it be

CG: ….

CG: DAVE, STOP JOKING AROUND; YOU'RE NOT FUNNY NOR WILL YOU EVER BE.

CG: YOU'RE JUST A USELESS LUMP OF MASHED-UP WRIGGLER FOOD WHO IS SO STUPID HE CAN'T EVEN GRASP THE CONCEPT OF HIS OWN EXTENSIVE INCAPACITY.

TG: im giving you a chance to confess

TG: id take it if i were you

CG: BUT..

CG: YOU'RE JUST JOKING AROUND.

CG: I'M NOT GOING TO BE A GULLIBLE ASSHOLE AND TELL YOU TRUE EMOTIONAL THINGS WHEN YOU'RE JUST BEING A HORRIBLE OBNOXIOUS BULGEGULP AND JOKING AROUND.

TG: okay well maybe im not just joking around

TG: maybe id actually want to date you

TG: depending on the quadrant

CG: ... REALLY?

TG: maybe

CG: … I DON'T FEEL LIKE BEING REJECTED DAVE..

CG: BUT IF YOU WERE TO BE IN ONE OF MY QUADRANTS, I WOULD WANT IT TO BE MATESPRIT...

CG: I GUESS..

TG: well

TG: honestly i dont know for sure if i want you in that quadrant

TG: but id be willing to try

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, FORGET IT DAVE, JUST FORGET IT.

CG: FOR JUST THIS ONCE I'M NOT IN THE MOOD TO DEAL WITH YOUR BULLSHIT.

TG: woah hey whats that for

CG: FORGET IT. I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

TG: okay suit yourself

CG: …

* * *

 

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

TG: jane help

TG: i fucked up

* * *

 

CG: I DON'T WANT TO BE IN ANY OF YOUR QUADRANTS ANYWAYS, WASTE-IMBIBER.

* * *

 

TG: cmon janey

TG: striders dont normally ask for help but this is serious

GG: What happened?

TG: its about karkat

TG: somehow we started talking about quadrants and he confessed that he wanted me in his flushed quadrant

TG: i told him i wasnt sure i wanted him there but id be willing to try

TG: i was just trying to be honest but it think really hurt him

GG: What _exactly_ happened?

* * *

 

CG: NOW LEAVE ME ALONE.

TG: fine

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--


	2. Big Boy Pants and Vile Invective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow look, another chapter! I'm pretty sure no one saw that coming. Maybe I'll even finish it someday? Ha, yeah right. Anyways, um, enjoy? Also, warning: a lot of this chapter is Dave forwarding past messages so don't think it's actually as long as it seems.

TG: he said

TG: «YOU KNOW WHAT, FORGET IT DAVE, JUST FORGET IT. FOR JUST THIS ONCE I'M NOT IN THE MOOD TO DEAL WITH YOUR BULLSHIT.»

TG: and then proceeded to deny his confession outright

TG: please help i dont know what to do

GG: I must say, I'm kind of confused, Dave..

GG: Can you tell me what you guys were saying before that?

* * *

 

CG: WHAT'S «FINE» CHUTELICKER?

TG: nothing

TG: just

TG: whatever

* * *

 

TG: ill forward you the texts one by one

GG: Okay.

GG: I'll just wait then.

TG: Fwd: YOU MAKE ME SO MAD STRIDER. EVEN MORE MAD THAN THE REST OF YOU OBNOXIOUS, PINK, PATHETIC BLOBS.

* * *

 

CG: I SWEAR TO JEGUS DAVE!

CG: YOU HAD BETTER PULL TOGETHER ENOUGH DILAPIDATED BRAIN CELLS TO PUT ON YOUR BIG BOY PANTS AND TELL ME WHATEVER ASININE SECRET YOU'RE HIDING IN THE VAST RECESSES OF YOUR WASTE CHUTE!

CG: RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!

TG: its nothing

TG: just hold on

* * *

 

TG: Fwd: YOU SUMMON THE DEEPEST, PUREST HATE FROM DEEP WITHIN THE DEEPEST RECESSES OF MY THINKPAN, AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU IN PERSON I WILL SHOW YOU JUST HOW DEEP THIS ANIMOSITY LIES.

TG: Fwd: PREFERABLY WITH A PUNCH TO THE CARTILAGE NUB AND A BIG 'FUCK YOU' TO GO ALONG WITH IT.

TG: Fwd: wow that was one hell of a caliginous confession there champ

* * *

 

CG: …

CG: OKAY.

CG: FINE.

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! --

* * *

TG: Fwd: you just blew me away

TG: Fwd: i am basically swooning right now

TG: Fwd:  where are the rings we gotta invite everyone to our weird alien hate-wedding

TG: Fwd:  DID YOU JUST.

TG: Fwd:  NO, STRIDER.

TG: Fwd:  JUST...

TG: Fwd: FORGET IT, NEVER MIND.

TG: Fwd:  I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO BOTHER INDULGING IN YOUR STUPID WRIGGLER-ESQUE MIND PLAY.

TG: Fwd:  NOT THIS TIME.

GG: So, when was this?

TG: hold on let me finish

TG: Fwd:  oh

TG: Fwd:  i didnt hear a denial

TG: Fwd: DO US ALL A FAVOUR AND SHUT YOUR GROTESQUE MEAT FLAPPERS, STRIDER.

TG: Fwd: YOU ARE SO WRONG IT'S A MIRACLE YOUR HUMAN SHAME GLOBES HAVEN'T SOMEHOW IMPLODED WITH THE SHEER AUDACITY OF THE OBVIOUS DISTORTION YOU JUST MADE.

TG: Fwd:  am i though

TG: Fwd:  YOU ARE, NOOKSPONGE.

TG: Fwd:  you dont sound very sure karkitten

TG: Fwd:  okay so what quadrant is it

TG: Fwd:  …

TG: Fwd:  I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE INCOMPETENT BLATHER ERUPTING FROM YOUR VILE AND BIZARRE FACE HOLE.

TG: Fwd:  cmon dude we all know you have the major hots for me

TG: Fwd:  that was never a secret

TG: Fwd:  so whatll it be

TG: Fwd:  ….

TG: Fwd:  DAVE, STOP JOKING AROUND; YOU'RE NOT FUNNY NOR WILL YOU EVER BE.

TG: Fwd:  YOU'RE JUST A USELESS LUMP OF MASHED-UP WRIGGLER FOOD WHO IS SO STUPID HE CAN'T EVEN GRASP THE CONCEPT OF HIS OWN EXTENSIVE INCAPACITY.

TG: Fwd:  im giving you a chance to confess

TG: Fwd:  id take it if i were you

TG: Fwd:  BUT..

TG: Fwd:  YOU'RE JUST JOKING AROUND.

TG: Fwd:  I'M NOT GOING TO BE A GULLIBLE ASSHOLE AND TELL YOU TRUE EMOTIONAL THINGS WHEN YOU'RE JUST BEING A HORRIBLE OBNOXIOUS BULGEGULP AND JOKING AROUND.

TG: Fwd:  okay well maybe im not just joking around

TG: Fwd:  maybe id actually want to date you

TG: Fwd:  depending on the quadrant

TG: Fwd:  ... REALLY?

TG: Fwd:  maybe

TG:  Fwd:  … I DON'T FEEL LIKE BEING REJECTED DAVE..

TG: Fwd:  BUT IF YOU WERE TO BE IN ONE OF MY QUADRANTS, I WOULD WANT IT TO BE MATESPRIT...

TG: Fwd:  I GUESS..

TG: Fwd:  well

TG: Fwd:  honestly i dont know for sure if i want you in that quadrant

TG: Fwd:  but id be willing to try

TG: Fwd:  YOU KNOW WHAT, FORGET IT DAVE, JUST FORGET IT.

TG: Fwd:  FOR JUST THIS ONCE I'M NOT IN THE MOOD TO DEAL WITH YOUR BULLSHIT.

TG: Fwd:  woah hey whats that for

TG: Fwd:  FORGET IT. I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

TG: Fwd:  okay suit yourself

TG: Fwd:  …

TG: Fwd:  I DON'T WANT TO BE IN ANY OF YOUR QUADRANTS ANYWAYS, WASTE-IMBIBER.

TG: Fwd:  NOW LEAVE ME ALONE.

TG: thats pretty much how it went down

TG: what do you think

GG: Are you two still talking to each other?

TG: no

TG: i told him to wait

GG: I see.

GG: I don't know too much about Karkat I'm afraid, but based on the conversation, and my own prior knowledge, here are some possibilities:

GG: 1. He is in love with you but doesn't want to be, and is in denial because of that.

GG: 2. He has had problems in his quadrants before and is very afraid of being hurt again.

GG: Or, 3. He is having trouble taking you seriously and is shutting down because he thinks you're messing with him.

TG: okay

TG: i guess

TG: that means i have to quote put on my big boy pants unquote and ask him about those things doesnt it

GG: Yes, I think it does...

GG: Please try to be smart about it; I think your lack of tact may have been part of the original problem.

TG: pfft

TG: what lack of tact

TG: i am the tact master

TG: i have enough tact to make a thousand bitches swoon simultaniously

GG: Well obviously not, since it seems like Karkat is doing the exact opposite of swooning right now.

TG: …

TG: fuck you

GG: Hoo hoo!

GG: Just talk to him. :B

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

* * *

\-- turntechGodhead [TG]  began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: okay

TG: so after seeking the sacred council of the farie queen

TG: i have come to ask you why youre hella shutting me down

TG: she said you probably either think im kidding or have been hurt before and are scared

TG: or are in some serious denial

TG: are any of those the case

TG: hello

TG: karkat

TG: i drew you a picture to assuage your tantrum

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] the file "[accurate.jpg](http://i.imgur.com/K9gv8TO.png)" --

TG: you cant deny that im quite the artist

TG: like van gough except more ironic

TG: hello

TG: dont like my art huh

TG: thats too bad

TG: allright

TG: enough bullshit we need to have a serious talk

TG: man to troll

TG: come on dude what gives

CG: JEGUS EVERLOVING POPSICLE DICK STRIDER! ARE YOU REALLY THAT INSISTENT TO BASK IN THE VERITABLE FONT OF MY FEROCIOUS VERBAL TIRADE?

CG: FINE THEN, I'M HERE, SO STOP SHAMELESSLY TOUCHING YOURSELF WITH NEED FOR MY VILE INVECTIVE.

TG: so whats the deal

CG: WITH WHAT YOU SHIT FOUNTAIN?

TG: with you

CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

CG: I CAN'T SEE HOW ANYONE WITH ENOUGH SENSE TO BE ABLE TO TIE THER OWN DUMB WRIGGLER SHOES WOULD EVER SOMEHOW GET THE IMPRESSION THAT SOMETHING WAS «THE DEAL» WITH ME.

CG: SO, WHAT THEN? DOES ROSE TIE YOUR SHOES FOR YOU?

TG: enough of that

TG: this is serious

CG: OH REALLY.

TG: yes

TG: what made you shut down

CG: ….....

TG: well

CG: I'M GOING TO BED.

TG: aw cmon dude dont do this to me

TG: its not even near a feasable time to go to bed anyways

TG: you're not getting out of this that easy

CG: WHAT DO YOU EVEN FUCKING WANT, DUNGHUMPER?

TG: i just want to know if you want to try dating or not

TG: its as simple as that

CG: I DON'T KNOW, STRIDER. EVER CONSIDER THAT THIS DESICION MIGHT BE HARD FOR SOME OF US?

CG: LIKE, I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, MAYBE I'D WANT TO TAKE SOME TIME TO ACTUALLY THINK ABOUT THIS COLOSSAL DESICION THAT WILL EFFECT MY LIFE IN MANY WAYS.

CG: OR WAIT, I GUESS YOU CAN'T CONSIDER THAT MUCH WITH ONLY A FEW WITHERED BRAIN CELLS LEFT IN THE UTTER SHITHEAP THAT IS YOUR THINKPAN.

CG: MY BAD.

TG: if that were the case you would have told me you needed to think about it

TG: which you didnt

TG: you had a mental breakdown or someshit and started shutting off and denying everything

CG: WOW, FUCK YOU.

CG: I DON'T EVEN WANT TO ARGUE WITH YOU ANYMORE.

CG: I DIDN'T THINK THAT WAS POSSIBLE.

TG: why dont you

TG: whats up

CG: LISTEN, I JUST..

CG: I DON'T KNOW, OKAY?

CG: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS WHAT I'M FEELING.

CG: THERE, I SAID IT.

CG: HAPPY?

TG: well then

* * *

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

TG: so

TG: karkat says he can't express what he's feeling

* * *

 

CG: WHO WERE YOU ASKING FOR «COUNCIL», ANYWAYS?

TG: jane

CG: WHY THE ASSBLISTERING FUCK WOULD YOU ASK HER? WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?

TG: i forwarded most of our conversation to her and asked her what she made of it

* * *

 

GG: I'm not sure what you expect me to do about it.

* * *

 

CG: AGAIN, WHY?

TG: because i needed help figuring out why you reacted the way you did

CG: THAT'S NOT EVEN WHAT I ASKED, BUT WHATEVER.

* * *

 

TG: yeah

TG: i guess you have a point

TG: just

GG: Don't worry, it will all work out. :B

* * *

 

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK EVERYTHING UP THE RANCID, SLIMY SHITHOLE. I AM GOING THE FUCK TO BED AND I COULD HONESTLY CARE A WHOLE LOT LESS ABOUT THE TIME.

CG: SO GOOD NIGHT, AND I HOPE YOU HAVE HORRIBLE, TRAUMATIZING NIGHTMARES.

* * *

 

TG: lets hope

GG: :B

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

* * *

TG: alright then

TG: good night i guess

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--


	3. Show and Tell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, I wrote something. This is a day to celibrate! So yeah, hopefully it doesn't suck because I wrote most of this with a searing headache. This train wreck of a fanfiction has been long overdue for an update though, so here you have it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** HEADS UP **  
> There will be mildly sexual themes in this chapter. Mostly talking about troll's sexual organs. Also xenobiology 'cause I headcanon trolls with a tentabulge and nook.  
> So yeah.

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "[STRIDER.jpg](http://i.imgur.com/rkuU79e.png)" --

CG: BEHOLD, BULGENUGGET: ONE OF THE MOST ACCURATE PICTURES THAT COULD EVER POSSIBLY BE DRAWN OF YOU BY THE FANCIEST DICKBLISTERING ARTIST IN PARADOX SPACE.

TG: what a great blatant representation of your obvious romantic leanings

TG: good job capitatin obvious

CG: HOW ABOUT YOU REMOVE YOUR PANLESS HEADGLOBE OUT OF YOUR GROSS PUCKERED WASTE SHUTE FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE LIFE AND NOTICE HOW NOT EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS MEANT TO STROKE YOUR OVERSIZED PRIDE GLANDS.

CG: SERIOUSLY, DOES THE WORD «EGOTISTICAL» MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU, OR IS THAT TOO DIFFICULT OF A WORD FOR YOUR NEAR EMPTY THINK PAN TO PROCESS?

TG: love you too babe

CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL NOOKSHITTING FUCK!?

CG: DOES ANYTHING ANYONE SAYS EVEN MAKE IT THROUGH WHATEVER GROSS SLUDGEY LUMPS HUMANS PROBABLY HAVE FOR AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS, OR DO YOU JUST CONSTANTLY MAKE LUCKY GUESSES AS TO WHAT ANYONE IS SAYING?

CG: ALSO, I PITY YOU TOO SHEATHEBLISTER.

TG: knew it

TG: so you're flush for me or whatever then

CG: NO, I'M ASHEN FOR YOU, YOU PANLESS LUMP OF USELESS, SLIMY FLESH.

CG: THAT WAS HUMAN SARCASM, IN CASE IT WASN'T OBVIOUS ENOUGH FOR YOUR LIMTED PAN FUNCTIONALITY.

TG: sweet

TG: so were a thing now right

CG: YES, TURDLICKER, WE'RE A «THING» NOW.

* * *

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

TG: so me and karkat are a thing now

TG: i hope i dont regret this somehow

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] is now an idle chum! --

* * *

TG: cool

TG: so

CG: «SO», WHAT? DESPITE LITERALLY BEING A GOD I AM NOT ACTUALLY A MINDREADER, DAVE.

TG: well

TG: i dont know if this is too early or whatever i mean

TG: im no expert on the art of dating or whatever

TG: just because im exceptionally cool and know just about everything about everything doesnt mean im an expert on dating

TG: that shit is a fine art

TG: gotta practice for years and years and hone your craft

CG: FOR THE LOVE OF THE ENTIRE ALTERNIAN EMPIRE DAVE, IS IT REALLY THAT UNHEARD OF TO JUST SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY INSTEAD OF SWIMMING THROUGH AN ENTIRE SLURRY OF BULLSHIT TO GET THERE?

CG: ARE YOU REALLY SO MENTALLY INCAPABLE THAT YOU PHYSICALLY CAN'T SAY SOMETHING WITHOUT AT LEAST TEN SCENTENCES OF OBNOXIOUS NONSENSE SURROUNDING IT ON EITHER SIDE?

TG: chill dude

TG: you cant rush a good thing man

TG: gotta learn to wait for things we want

CG: OH MY INEXORABLE GOD STRIDER, JUST FUCKING SAY IT.

TG: im getting there babe

CG: DAVE!!!!!!

TG: fine geez

TG: wanna go on a date

CG: WELL LOOK AT THAT, I GUESS YOU MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING IN THAT DUSTY, RUSTED THINK PAN OF YOURS AFTER ALL.

CG: I'M SO PROUD OF YOU DAVE, YOU SAID YOUR FIRST WORDS THAT AREN'T A STEADY STREAM OF INCONGRUOUS AND PAN-NUMBING BULLSHIT. WE'D BETTER CALL YOUR HUMAN LUSUS, THIS IS MONUMENTAL.

CG: NOW THAT YOU'VE MANAGED TO SAY SOMETHINGTHAT CAN ACTUALLY BE RECOGNIZED AS SOMEWHAT COHERENT SPEECH, I CAN FINALLY GIVE YOU A RESPONSE:

CG: YES, I WOULD LOVE TO GO ON A HUMAN DATE WITH YOU.

TG: yknow

TG: for someone who just went off on me about spouting bullshit that was an awful lot of bullshit you just spouted there yourself

CG: WELL AT LEAST MY «BULLSHIT» HAD A LEGITIMATE PURPOSE, SAID PURPOSE BEING TO EDUCATE YOU AND TO AID YOU IN BECOMING A SOMEWHAT FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEING, AS ULTIMATELY FUTILE AS THAT ENDEAVOR MAY BE.

TG: sure whatever

TG: so what should we do

TG: we could just chill or someshit maybe

CG: THAT ACTUALLY DOESN'T SOUND TOO PAN-NUMBINGLY GAG-WORTHY.

CG: MAYBE IF WE CAN WATCH SOME DECENT MOVIES IT'LL ACTUALLY COME TO RESEMBLE SOMETHING VAGUELY ENJOYABLE.

TG: alright

TG: ill even watch the shitty romcoms

TG: just for you

CG: NORMALLY I WOULD GO OFF ON SOME LENGTHY TIRADE ABOUT HOW ROMCOMS ARE THE INDESPUTABLY BEST THING TO HAPPEN TO THE WORLD OF CINEMA, BUT I THINK WE'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT YOU BARELY HAVE ENOUGH MATTER IN YOUR THINK PAN TO KNOW WHAT A MOVIE IS AT ALL, LET ALONE A GOOD MOVIE.

TG: cool

TG: so how about this friday

CG: ALRIGHT THEN, SEE YOU ON FRIDAY, NOOKBREATH.

CG: <3

TG: less than three to you too dork

CG: IF YOU'RE IMPLYING THAT * I'M * THE DORK HERE I'M PRETTY SURE YOU NEED TO GET YOUR PAN CHECKED FOR LEAKS. IN WHAT UNBELIEVEABLY DEMENTED ALTERNATE UNIVERSE COULD I POSSIBLY BE CONSIDERED THE «DORK» HERE?

CG: IN FACT, IF YOU ASKED ANY SENTIENT BEING WITH ENOUGH INTELLEGENCE TO TIE THEIR OWN SHOES WITH MINIMAL DIFFICULTY THEY WOULD INVARIABLY SAY THAT IT'S IN FACT, THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

TG: youre adorable

* * *

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

TG: dont tell anyone this

TG: but i im having feelings 

GG: What, the mighty Strider, having feelings? That's unheard of!

TG: i know

TG: so keep it on the down low

TG: okay

GG: My lips are sealed.

TG: i think i might really like karkat

GG: Well I would hope you do; you are dating him!

GG: So if you don't we need to have a talk.

TG: i just said i did

TG: well

TG: i guess im still not sure

TG: i mean maybe i just want to make out with him but that feeling i just got when he texted me seemed pretty promising

\--  gutsyGumshoe [GG]  is now an idle chum! --

* * *

CG: FUCK YOU UP THE CRUSTY, PUCKERED WASTE CHUTE WITH KANAYAS CHAINSAW. I AM NOT BY EVEN THE MOST ASININE, IRRELEVANT POSSIBLE DEFINITION OF THE WORD, «ADORABLE». «ADORABLOODTHIRSTY, MAYBE», BUT NOT «ADORABLE».

TG: jokes on you babe

TG: i was being sarcastic

CG: WHATEVER. LET ME TELL YOU A PRETTY MINDBLOWING FUCKING FACTOID THAT I'M SURE YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED EVEN IF YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR THE REST OF YOU MISERABLE POINTLESS EXISTENCE, DUE TO THE UNBELIEVEABLY AND PERMANETLY RUSTED STATE OF YOUR THINKPAN.

CG: HERE'S THAT UNBELIEVEABLE TRUTH: NOBODY CARES!

TG: wow

CG: I KNOW, IT'S PRETTY INCREDIBLE. THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF SHITSLAPINGLY OBSCURE INFORMATION. IT MAKES EVERYONE IN THE IMMEDIATE VICINITY CHOKE ON THE VISCOUS NOOK FLUID CURRENTLY DRIZZLING DOWN THEIR CHITINOUS WINDHOLES.

TG: …

TG: viscous nook fluid 

CG: SHIT

CG: LET'S JUST… FORGET ABOUT THAT, OKAY?

TG: what

TG: no

TG: explain

CG: EXPLAIN WHAT, YOU GROTESQUE SHITSTAIN OF EPIC PROPORTIONS.

TG: id kinda like to know what you mean by viscous nook fluid

TG: like

TG: is troll cum like

TG: weird goo

TG: cause thats what youre making it sound like

CG: WHAT THE EVER SHITSLURPING, BULGELICKING FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

TG: i feel a talk about alien biology impending

TG: i mean

TG: were dating so im gonna need to figure out your anatomy eventually

TG: might as well start now

TG: take it away professer vantas

TG: teach me all these mad facts about troll vagina juices

CG: YOU KNOW, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF MY POOR ABUSED THINK PAN CAN WITHSTAND EVEN THE PROSPECT OF EXPLAINING THIS KIND OF THING. I CAN ALREADY FEEL MY PAN CELLS SLOWLY DETERIORATING FROM THE SHEER STUPITIDY OF THIS ENTIRE SITUATION.

TG: cmon vantas

TG: show and tell

CG: UGH, FINE. GOODBYE PAN CELLS.

CG: FUCK.

CG: SO…

CG: ALL TROLLS HAVE WHAT ARE CALLED TENTABULGES AND NOOKS. BASICALLY, THE BULGES GO IN THE NOOKS, AND YADDA UNTIL THE RELEASE OF GENETIC MATERIAL. THEN, A BUCKET IS FILLED, THE END.

CG: NOW LET ME GO SIT IN AN EMPTY WHITE ROOM IN THE CORNER AND TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT THIS CONVERSATIOIN EVER AGAIN, LEST MY ENTIRE HEAD SPONTANEOUSLY AND VIOLENTLY IMPLODE.

TG: i must say im intrigued

TG: can i have a picture

CG: WHAT.

TG: of your junk

TG: for science

CG: WHAT THE HELL, NO! WHO THE FUCK WOULD EVEN DO THAT, IT'S DISGUSTING AND EMBRASSING...

TG: oh cmon dude

TG: think of the learning that could happen

TG: such unbelieveable tutelage could be taking place

CG: LISTEN, I'M NOT GOING TO SEND YOU PICTURES OF MY JUNK.

TG: man

CG: WELL MAYBE, AFTER WE'VE BEEN DATING FOR A WHILE, YOU MIGHT SEE THEM IN PERSON.

CG: DOES THAT SATIFY YOUR AWKWARD AND INCOMPREHENSIBLE DESIRE TO SEE MY DISGUSTING, MUTATED JUNK?>/span>

TG: i bet itll be hot as fuck

TG: anyways i can wait

TG: can you like draw a picture or something though

TG: so i can actually know what im dealing with

CG: I GUESS. JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE.

TG: okay

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "[DONT_LAUGH.jpg](http://i.imgur.com/Fr08JEz.png)" --

CG: THERE, THAT'S WHAT MY JUNK LOOKS LIKE. EVERYBODY BETTER FUCKING STAND IN AWE AT THE MASTERPEICE THAT IS

CG: OKAY, I CAN'T EVEN DO THIS.

CG: JUST LOOK AT THE PICTURE, THEN LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TO CRAWL UP MY OWN WASTE CHUTE AND MAKE A NEST IN MYINTESTINES.

TG: holy damn

TG: thatll be a lot of fun

CG: I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.

TG: woah whats this

TG: karkat motherfucking vantas has nothing to say

TG: this is huge

TG: call the press this shits gonna be on national news

CG: IF YOU COULD POSSIBLY SHUT YOUR THRASHING MEAT FLAPS FOR THE LITERAL MINUTE IT WOULD HAVE TAKEN ME TO TYPE MY NEXT SCENTENCE YOU WOULD KNOW THAT I WAS ABOUT TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT TO SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T CONTAIN QUITE AS MUCH OF THE MASSIVE INHERENT STUPIDITY OF OUR LAST TOPIC OF CONVERSATION.

CG: SO CALM YOUR FLAILING FAT PADS FOR ONE MINUTE WHILE I CONTINUE TO MOVE ON TO A NEW PART OF THIS CONVERSATION THAT DOESN'T MAKE ALL INVOLVED WANT TO BRUTALLY FIST THEMSELVES UNTIL THEY BLEED.

TG: okay

TG: so whats this new topic of conversation

CG: THANK YOU FOR ASKING, SIR STRIDER.

TG: dude

TG: no

TG: dont call me that

CG: I'M GOING TO IGNORE YOUR POINTLESS COMMENTARY IN FAVOR OF MOVING THIS BULLSHIT EXCUSE FOR A COHERENT CONVERSATION FORWARDS.

TG: rude

CG: HOW AM I THE RUDE ONE HERE? DO YOU EVEN HAVE THE PAN CAPACITY TO EVALUATE YOURSELF AND YOUR ACTIONS. OH WAIT, I FORGOT YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH PAN CELLS TO PHYSICALLY PERFORM HIGHER COGNATIVE FUNCTIONS LIKE THAT.

CG: I'M PRETTY SURE THE MOST COMPLICATED THINKING YOU CAN DO IS WONDERING JUST HOW FAR TO SHOVE YOUR OWN HEAD UP YOUR NOOK EVERY SINGLE DAY.

TG: dude

TG: are you even listening to yourself

TG: how are you so dense you dont even realize that youre being a hypocrite

TG: i mean youre literally being rude while you tell me off for being rude

TG: that is some pretty a grade hypocracy there friend

CG: WELL AT LEAST WHEN I DO IT I CAN ACTUALLY DO IT IN THE FORM OF PROPER SCENTENCES INSTEAD OF THE FATAL TRAIN WRECK THAT METAPHORICALLY REPRESENTS YOUR GRAMMAR.

TG: my grammars fine

CG: YOU DON'T USE ANY CAPITALIZAITON OR PUNCTUATION, WHICH MAKES YOU SOUND LIKE A STUPID WRIGGLER, STILL WET FROM PUPATION.

TG: who cares though

TG: its not like i cant use proper grammar and shit if i want to

TG: See look, I'm doing it right now.

TG: Look at all of these capital letters and punctuation.

TG: I sound like some ancient English professor.

CG: NO, ACTUALLY IT STILL SOUNDS LIKE THE SAME USELESS GARBAGE YOU USUALLY PROJECTILE VOMIT OUT OF YOUR SLIMY WORDHOLE.

CG: BUT ANYWAYS, BELIEVE IT OR NOT I ACTUALLY HAD A LEGITIAMTE THING I WANTED T O TALK ABOUT. SO HOW ABOUT WE STOP THE BULLSHIT TRAIN BEFORE IT DERAILS ITSELF IN A PREDICTABLE AND CARTOONISH WAY, AND MOVE ON TO DISCUSSING SAID THING.

TG: alright fine

TG: lets hear it

CG: SO.

TG: so

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME TALK, NOOKWIPE!

TG: dude

TG: just say it

CG: I'M GETTING TO IT, GROW A PATIENCE GLAND FOR GOGS SAKE.

CG: ANYWAYS.

CG: AS I WAS SAYING.

TG: karkat

CG: WE'RE STILL ON FOR THIS FRIDAY RIGHT?

TG: of course we are

CG: OKAY, JUST CHECKING.

CG: SO, UH..

CG: I'LL SEE YOU THEN.

TG: yep

TG: i gotta go now

CG: OKAY.

CG: …

CG: I LOVE YOU.

TG: hehe

TG: love you too

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  turntechGodhead [TG] \--


	4. An Appointment With the Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> haha I told you I wasn't going to give up on this story

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: HEY SHEATHELICKER, WAKE UP. I HAVE SOMETHING EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU, SO YOU BETTER PULL YOUR WORTHLESS HUMAN CARCASS OF A SELF OUT OF YOUR SADLY MOST LIKELY BEN STILLER RELATED WET DREAMS LONG ENOUGH TO ANSWER ME OR SO HELP ME I WILL PERSONALLY WALK OVER TO YOUR HIVE AND TAKE A MASSIVE DUMP ON EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR.

CG: THIS IS SOME SERIOUS AS SHIT LEADER BUSINESS SO YOU HAD BETTER PULL YOUR FORTY FIVE DEGREES OF BONY STRIDER REAR OUT OF YOUR ADMITTEDLY QUITE COMFORTABLE HUMAN SLEEPING SLAB AND TALK TO ME.

TG: no itr too early for t4s

CG: IT IS ONLY EIGHT DICKSHITTING O' CLOCK STRIDER. AND THIS IS SOME ABSOLUTELY CRUICIAL INFORMATION I MUST GRACE YOUR PUTRID, ROTTING SPONGE CLOTS WITH AT THE MOMENT, SO STRAP YOURSELF INTO THIS HIGH VELOCITY ASSHOLE VEHICLE AND WE'LL TAKE A RIDE INTO THE VAST LAND OF LEADER BUSINESS AND FUCK.

CG: SO, THIS UNBELIEVEABLY IMPERATIVE NEWS THAT I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

CG: I WANTED TO TELL YOU.

TG: jcf wh2t dp you wantt

CG: I LOVE YOU.

CG: AND WELL, HONSETLY I'M IN A SHITTY MOOD TODAY SO I WAS HOPING WE COULD TALK OR SOMETHING.

TG: dude i dont wake up until like nine fnorty

TG: at leasast

TG: itp too earky

CG: OH.

CG: FINE THEN, I'LL TROLL YOU LATER WHEN YOUR SINGLE LONELY PAN CELL HAS REGAINED MOST OF ITS ABILITY TO FUNCTION WITHOUT MAKING YOU SOUND QUITE SO MUCH LIKE A CRYING, INJURED MUSCLEBEAST.

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

* * *

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

TG: sup janey

TG: its a morning

TG: ugh

TG: i dont really want to fuck with my binder today but

TG: i dunno

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! --

* * *

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: god damnit

TG: this sucks some chafing puppet cock

CG: FIRST OF ALL, I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY THE EVERLOVING BULGECAKES YOU THINK I WOULD I EVER BE INCLINED IN ANY TIMELINE TO GIVE ONE SINGLE FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING YOU COULD EVER HAVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT.

CG: SECOND OF ALL, WHAT IS THIS APPARENT CATASPROPHE THAT PROMPTED YOU TO WASTE MY PERSONAL TIME (WHICH I AM USING TO PERFORM IMPORTANT AUTORATIVE PRACTICES AT THE MOMENT) TO LISTEN TO YOU VENT YOUR BLOATED GROUSEBLADDER.

TG: bro didnt let me make coffee before we left

TG: because i already made us like eleven minutes late

TG: but still

TG: coffee

CG: RIGHT NOW I AM IMAGINING A WORLD IN WHICH YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE DIGNITY AND COMMON SENSE SKILLS OF A NEWLY HATCHED GRUB WITH SEVERE HEAD TRAUMA, AND HAD THE PHYSICAL CAPABILITY OF POSSIBLY BEING CONSIDERATE TO OTHERS FOR ONCE.

CG: I KNOW THAT'S A PRETTY RADICAL FUCKING CONCEPT TO YOU BUT WITH ENOUGH TIME AND POSSIBLY THE SURGICALLY INJECTING OF SOME PAN CELLS INTO YOUR SORRY PAN-HUSK, WE COULD FIX YOU UP.

CG: UPON WAKING UP AFTER THE SURGERY, THE DOCTORS WAITING AROUND APPREHENSIVELY, YOU WOULD SIT UP WITH A LOOK OF NEWFOUND INTELLIGENCE AND REALIZATON IN YOUR EYES. THEN WITH A DEEP BREATH, YOU ENLIGHTENED FRST WORDS WOULD BE:

CG: 'wow im an asshole'

CG: AND FUCKNG EVERYBODY WOULD REJOICE. THE DOCTORS WOULD CRY AND SO WOULD YOUR HUMAN LUSUS. THERE WOULD BE GRAND CELEBRATIONS IN HONOR OF YOU FINALLY BEING DIVESTED OF THE FATAL DISIEASE THAT IS YOUR CRIPPLING STUPDITY. THE WORLD WOULD FINALLY BE A BETTER PLACE.

TG: dude that was pretty good

TG: you should be a writer

CG: I KNOW YOU WERE BEING A SARCASTIC SHIT-SNIFFER, AS PER USUAL, BUT THE JOKE SEEMS TO BE ON YOU THIS TIME, STRIDER. AS A MATTER OF FACT I AM A WRITER.

CG: NOT THAT I'D EVER SHOW YOU.

CG: I'M ALMOST CERTAIN YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE ERUDITE AND «HIGH BROW» MASTERPEICES THAT COMPRISE OF MY STORY COLLECTION. YOUR SINGLE LONELY PAN CELL WOULD PROBABLY KEEL OVER AND SHRIVEL TO DEATH DUE TO THE IMMENSE EFFORT YOU WOULD HAVE TO GIVE TO EVEN BEGIN UNDERSTANDING THE COMPLEX PLOTS AND CHARACTERS OF MY STORIES.

CG: AND AS I'M PRETTY SURE YOU NEED THAT POOR TORTURED CELL TO JUST BARELY COMPLETE BASIC BODILY FUNCTIONS SUCH AS BREATHING AND WALKING, I'M GOING TO DO YOU THE FAVOR OF PROTECTNG IT'S WELL BEING BY NOT LETTING YOU WASTE IT TRYING TO FUTILLY UNDERSTAND THINGS THAT ARE FAR TOO COMPLEX FOR YOU.

CG: YOU'RE WELCOME

TG: man is it just me or are you even more talkative than usual

TG: i didnt think that was possible but idk

TG: i guess miracles do happen

TG: the bad kind of miracles i mean

TG: i literally just want coffee

CG: WOULD YOU QUIT YOUR INCESSANT WHINY BLITHER IF I PROMISED TO MAKE YOU SOME OF YOUR SUTPID NASTY HUMAN 'COFFEE' DRINK NEXT TIME YOU COME OVER? I'M PRETTY SURE YOUR QUERULOUS SCREECHING AS ALREADY KILLED A FEW HUNDRED SMALL ANIMALS IN THE GENERAL VICINITY, AND RUPTURED THE EARDRUMS OF SEVERAL LARGER BEASTS.

TG: yeah thatd be p cool

CG: GOOD, NOW THE POOR TORTURED EARTH ANIMALS CAN FINALLY BE SAFE. SERIOUSLY, WHAT DID THEY EVER DO TO DESERVE SUCH A HORRIBLE, COMPLAINT-INDUCED MASSACRE?

TG: idk bro

TG: that shits just the breaks

TG: survival of the fittest you know

TG: the loudest whiners will survive while the weaker animals succumb to their ultimate biological fitness

TG: and god will laugh as he watches those animals die as he knows that only the strongest can survive in this wild wild world

CG: WOW, CONRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE LEFT ME SERIOUSLY PONDERING, YET AGAIN, WHY I DEIGN TO TORTURE MYSELF WITH THE INCREDIBLE ORDEAL THAT IS TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOU. DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW HARD IT IS SIT THROUGH, LET ALONE EVEN BEGIN TO PARSE THE NEVERENDING STREAM OF UNBELIEVEABLE GIBBERISH THAT CONSTANTLY DRIBBLES LIKE A BROKEN WATER RELEASE TUBE OUT OF YOUR SOGGY WORD HOLE?

CG: I AM LEFT TO WONDER HOW MANY LIVES HAVE BEEN AIMLESSLY LOST DUE TO THE SPONTANEOUS THINK PAN COMBUSTION THAT OFTEN COMES WITH ATTEMPTING TO PARSE THE VERITABLE ELDRITCH TOUNGES THAT ARE YOUR EVERYDAY SPEECH.

TG: well shit were almost here now

TG: time for another boring apointment with dr whats his face

TG: scratch and sniff

CG: WHAT IS THIS APPOINTMENT EVEN FOR? HAS YOUR HUMAN LUSUS FINALLY BECOME CONCERNED OVER THE WAY YOU CONSTANTLY INGEST YOUR OWN FECAL MATTER FROM WHERE YOUR HEAD IS LODGED NO LESS THAN FIVE METERS UP YOUR SHIT-SLICKED WASTE CHUTE?

TG: its just a check up nothing big

TG: mostly to talk about if my new meds have been doing their job and stuff

CG: OH, OKAY.

TG: w/e

TG: anyways ttyl i gotta go inside now

CG: YEAH OKAY, HAVE FUN DESTROYING SOMEONE ELSES SPONGE CLOTS WITH YOUR SHIT-VOMIT FOR ONCE.

TG: bye <3

CG: …

CG: <3 

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: GOD, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE FOR YOU TO GET CHECKED UP BY THAT MEDICALLY TRAINED ASSHOLE IN A WHITE COAT? I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS WASN'T GOING TO BE ANYTHING BIG, SO WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG?

CG: STRIDER?

CG: FUCKING ANSWER ME YOU DICKLORD!!

TG: dude chill its only been 20 min

TG: im still in the waiting room

CG: GOD, WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH THE HUMAN MEDICAL SYSTEM THAT YOU WOULD BE SITTING AROUND FOR THAT LONG JUST MINLESS FINGERING YOUR OWN WASTE CHUTE WAITING FOR AN APPOINTMENT THAT YOU HAD PRE-SCHEDULED AND CAME ON TIME TO?

TG: actually we came a little late

TG: doctors just take a while its normal

TG: i guess cause they have a lot of shit to do with each person and there are only so many of them

CG: THAT'S ASININE! WHY WOULD THEY EVEN BOTHER WITH SCHEDULED APPOINTMENTS IF THEY'RE JUST GOING TO IGNORE THEM LIKE THE MOST UNORGANIZED SLOP OF SLUDGE ONLY FOUND IN THE BOTTOM OF THE MOST INGRATED SHIT-BEASTS UNMENTIONABLES DRAWER?

TG: dunno dude thats just how it works

TG: i can't change the system

TG: oh its my turn

CG: FUCKING FINALLY.

TG: see ya babe

TG: i love you

CG: I FUCKING LOVE YOU TOO, DOUCHECANOE.

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  ectoBiologist [EB] \--

CG: HEY EGBERT, I CAN NOT ACTUALLY * BELIEVE * I AM LOWERING MYSELF TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW, BUT DAVE IS TAKING FUCKING FOREVER AT HIS STUPID MEDICAL APPOINTMENT THAT DIDN'T EVEN START AT THE RIGHT TIME, AND I AM SO BORED I THINK I MIGHT HAVE TO START RESORTING TO SMASHING MY HEAD REPEATEDLY AGAINST THE NEAREST SOLID SURFACE IF I DON'T TALK TO SOMEONE.

CG: I AM IN FACT, SO DESPERATELY BORED, THAT I AM WILLING TO RISK THE INEVITABLE BRAIN HEMMORHAGE THAT COMES WITH TRYING THE SIFT THROUGH THE OVERLY OPTIMISTIC RAINBOW VOMIT THAT IS YOU SPEECH.

CG: SO HAVE AT IT EGBERT, I CAN FEEL THE IMPENDING REGRET ALREADY.

EB: hi karkat! :B

CG: OH WAIT, DID MY TALK OF RAINBOWS OFFEND YOU AND YOUR «NO HOMO COMPLEX» AS DAVE SO ACCURATELY DESCRIBES IT?

CG: I WOULD BE SORRY FOR NOT BEING MORE CULTURALLY SENSITIVE, BUT I STILL STAND BY MY RIGHTEOUS OPINION THAT THE ENTIRE IDEA OF «HOMOSEXUALITY» IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE DUMBEST THING YOUR PATHETIC, UNDERDEVELOPED CULTURE COULD HAVE POSSIBLY PULLED OUT OF THE COBWEBBED RECESSES OF ITS COLLECTIVELY EMPTY THINK PAN.

EB: oh. um, about that..

CG: ABOUT WHAT, SHITWHIFF??

EB: about me being not a homosexual..

EB: i think i might have been slightly wrong about that..

CG: HOLY SHIT, I CAN NOT EVEN BELIEVE WHAT INCREDIBLE SLUDGEY DRIBBLE JUST GURGLED OUT OF YOUR CHITINOUS WINDHOLE.

CG: I BET DAVE IS GOING TO FLIP HIS HUMAN SHIT WHEN I INFORM HIM OF THIS INBELIEVABLY IRONIC AND STUPID DEVELOPMENT.

EB: oh, dave already knows!

CG: WHAT?

CG: AND HE DIDN'T TELL ME?

EB: i don't know why he wouldn't?

EB: but well, i guess he was the first to know because, well..

EB: he's..

EB: uh..

EB: kinda my boyfriend now so…

EB: i know, it's kind of crazy!

EB: i'm still having some trouble wrapping my head around it myself!!

EB: … karkat?

EB: hello?

CG: WHAT.

EB: i just said me and dave are dating now, did you not get the text or something?

CG: NO.

CG: FOR HOW LONG?

EB: what??

CG: HOW LONG HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN DATING?

EB: uh, a little over a month now

EB: i think our one month anniversary was yesterday actually..

EB: shit, me and dave need to do something for that.

EB: hey karkat, you're the romance expert, what should we do for our anniversary?

CG: NO!!!!!!

EB: ???

CG: THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE!

CG: HE

CG: HE CAN'T BE WITH YOU!!

EB: uh..

EB: i know it's kind of hard to believe i'm really dating a boy now, but i'm not lying i swear!

CG: THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE! BECAUSE

CG: HE

CG: HE SAID HE LOVED * ME *!

CG: HE'S DATING * ME *! NOT YOU!

EB: what?

CG: I NEED PROOF!

CG: GIVE ME PROOF THAT YOU GUYS ARE REALLY DATING, OR I WONT BELIEVE YOU!

EB: um..

EB: well, i have pictures of our first date i can send i guess??

CG: SEND THEM.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] the file "[me_x_dave_<3.png](http://i.imgur.com/0Qv3wL7.png)" --

CG: NO..

CG: BUT... HOW COULD HE CHOOSE YOU OF ALL PEOPLE???

CG: WHY NOT ME????????

CG: HE TOLD ME HE FUCKING LOVED ME!!!

CG: IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!!!

CG: AFTER ALL THAT OBNOXIOUS FLIRTING..

CG: HE EVEN SAID…

CG: HE......

EB: oh wow..

EB: does that mean dave has been cheating on me?? D:

CG: WELL I FUCKING GUESS!!!!!!!!

EB: aw man.. i'll have to talk to him about it i guess..

EB: hey karkat?

EB: are you gonna be okay?

EB: karkat?

EB: well if you need to talk to someone you can talk to me, okay?

EB: i'm sorry, karkat..

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an idle troll! --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man, its been so long that i don't think i really like the ending i had planned put any more.. my original plan was either for dave to dump john or for them to become a threesome, but Im kinda thinking I want to sink the davekat ship and end it with johnkat?? Please tell me what you guys think should happen so i can factor than into how i end the story.
> 
> Edit: I'm gonna go ahead and start writing the last chapter. There's a 90% chance it's going to end in polyamory, but I might still randomly decide to do something else


	5. Learning to Say 'I Love You'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whelp, here's the end. I promised I'd finish it haha// I decided to end it with just DaveKat since it made the most sense after re-reading the whole work. But anyways, I'm going to go back now probably and format the damned thing..
> 
> This chapter alternately titled: Dave gets about 15 new assholes ripped.

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: well that was without a doubt the most unbelieveably boring excuse for an appointment ive ever had to suffer through

TG: it was so fucking tedious even rose wouldnt be able to sit through that shit

TG: like blah blah side effects blah blah how are you sleeping blah

TG: thank you for dining at boring would you like your check

TG: and i was like no i dont want my fucking check i want a refund

TG: your food is so awful i should probably sue you or something

TG: anyways whats up

TG: did ya miss me babe

TG: sweet cheeks

TG: honey nut cheerios

TG: hello

TG: you there

CG: DAVE.

TG: karkat

CG: I

CG: CAN NOT EVEN BELIEVE YOU RIGHT NOW

TG: thats understandable

TG: i am like the master king of ironic unbelieveableness

TG: even my own subjects dont believe me

TG: theyre all like

CG: STOP

TG: uh okay

CG: I AM SO NOT GOING TO DEAL WITH YOUR BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW

TG: you okay bro

CG: NO I'M NOT FUCKING OKAY!!

CG: YOU

TG: ?

CG: YOU CHEATING FUCKING SCUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CG: ANSWER ME YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!

TG: shit

TG: okay so heres the thing

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? NO!

CG: I DON'T WHAT TO HEAR YOUR THING.

CG: IN FACT, DON'T EVER FUCKING TALK TO ME AGAIN!!!!!!

CG: I AM SICK TO DEATH OF GETTING SHIT ON AND HAVING MY FEELINGS SQUASHED EVERY TIME I GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP

CG: BUT I'M NOT GOING TO DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE!!

CG: I'M DONE WITH THIS

CG: NOBODY IS GOING TO FUCK WITH KARKAT VANTAS EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CG: SO DON'T EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN

CG: YOU UTTER PIECE OF FILTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TG: ….

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TG: im sorry

ERROR: Message Not Delivered

TG: fuck

ERROR: Message Not Delivered

TG: you blocked me

ERROR: Message Not Delivered

TG: okay fine

ERROR: Message Not Delivered

TG: whatever

ERROR: Message Not Delivered

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

TG: jane

TG: i

TG: fucked up

TG: pretty badly

GG: Oh dear.

GG: Something tells me this is about Karkat.

TG: …

TG: yeah it is

TG: fuck howd you know

GG: Just a hunch! Hoo hoo! :B

GG: But anyways, why don't you tell me what happened?

TG: so

GG: So?

TG: i like

TG: may or may not have been doing something really stupid that i knew i shouldnt have been doing but did anyways

TG: and then karkat found out and got mad

TG: rightfully so

GG: I'm afraid that doesn't give me much to go off of.. You're going to have to be more specific about what exactly you did.

TG: so

TG: i was dating karkat

TG: and

GG: Yes?

TG: i was also dating john

GG: You were two-timing? :O

GG: Dave!!

TG: yeah i know

TG: and i swear i do feel bad about it

TG: i just really love both of them and i couldnt pick

GG: You need to shut your face for a minute and listen to me mister cheater!!

TG: uh okay

GG: First of all, what you did was awful. You should know that already.

TG: i do

GG: Shush!

TG: ..

GG: And no amount of apologising or feeling bad is going to make up for it!

GG: You can't expect Karkat or John to forgive you for something like that.

GG: You betrayed their trust!

TG: but they cant stay mad at me forever

TG: i dont know what id do without them

GG: Tough luck buster! You should have thought of that before you cheated.

GG: Neither Karkat nor John are required to forgive you, and if they never do you just going to have to suck it up because it's no ones fault but your own.

TG: …

TG: what am i going to do

GG: I can't answer that for you, only you know what you'll end up doing.

GG: But one thing I can suggest doing is figuring out how to stop your cheating habit.

TG: its not a habit

GG: Well it can become one. You should know the saying: «Once a cheater, always a cheater».

TG: well im not going to let it

GG: Then you better get working on that. That's right, this is going to require actual work on your part! And I mean coming up with a real plan on how to stop yoursef from cheating!

TG: uh

TG: how

GG: Well, know your habits, first of all. You're going to need to recognize what kinds of things you do when you cheat, and what makes you cheat. Then, work hard to counteract those. Only you can stop yourself from cheating, Dave.

GG: Also, I might add that you should learn to be more honest and open with your parteners. Tell them about your cheating probem and your plan to fix it.

TG: i dont have a problem

GG: Dave!!

TG: okay fine

TG: i have a problem

TG: but i still dont see how im supposed to fix it

TG: i just fall in love with too many people i cant really help that

GG: Well you can help how you act on that feeling. Maybe it'll be hard to only act on one feeling, but that's just life! If you really love you partner, you wouldn't want to hurt them by cheating on them.

TG: i guess

TG: so..

TG: im supposed to pick between john and karkat

GG: Only if they choose to forgive you, and say they want to give you another chance.

GG: Remember, you already messed up with them, they don't owe you forgiveness or anything anymore!

TG: okay

TG: can i at least ask them if theyll forgive me

GG: Yes, but only after you do these things:

GG: First, think about your cheating and how you can prevent it in the future. Then apologise honestly and sincerely for everything you did to them. And don't try to make it seem like you couldn't help it, or that it wasn't your fault! It was very much your fault and you could have prevented it easily, so admit that!

GG: Then you can ask them if they want to talk about trying again.

TG: okay..

TG: ill try

GG: No trying Dave, just do it!

TG: okay..

TG: uh

TG: i guess ill go think about my cheating now

GG: Good luck! :B

TG: thanks

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  ectoBiologist [EB] \--

CG: WELL I BROKE UP WITH DAVE.

CG: AND BLOCKED HIM.

CG: I STILL CAN'T FUCKING * BELIEVE * HE HAD THE GALL TO TWO-TIME US.

EB: me neither :(

EB: well i guess i should break up with him too huh..

EB: like.. officially

CG: HELL YES! DUMP THAT PIECE OF SHIT! RUN HIM INTO THE FUCKING GROUND!!

CG: WE BOTH DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!!!

EB: yeah..

EB: i guess i'm pretty mad he went behind my back and cheated

CG: YOU GUESS?!?

EB: i just kinda cant believe it still!

EB: he was always so nice to me!

EB: not to mention we used to be best friends before all this…

CG: WOW, THAT FUCKING SUCKS. I'M SORRY JOHN..

EB: you don't need to apologise karkat! it wasn't your fault

CG: I KNOW..

CG: SHIT, THIS IS STUPID. MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST FUCK DAVE AND DATE EACHOTHER OR SOMETHING.

EB: haha maybe :B

EB: you know, a long time ago i actually used to have a really big crush on you!

CG: WAIT, SERIOUSLY?

EB: yup!

EB: i never really told anyone because that was back in my 'no homo' days when i was too afraid to admit i liked boys too

CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'BACK IN', JOHN, YOU'RE STILL IN YOUR 'NO HOMO' DAYS.

EB: whatever, you know what i mean

CG: YEAH..

CG: ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST PART ABOUT ALL THIS BULLSHIT IS?

EB: what?

CG: I STILL FUCKING LIKE HIM..

CG: THAT'S MY PROBLEM I GUESS, NO MATTER HOW BADLY SOMEBODY FUCKS ME OVER THE SIDE OF A SNAPBEAST PIT, I ALWAYS END UP CLINGING TO THEM LIKE SOME KIND OF TERRIFIED GRUB.

CG: I KNOW IT'S UNHEALTHY AS FUCK, BUT MY FEELINGS DON'T LIKE TO LISTEN TO BASIC COMMON SENSE I GUESS.

EB: yeah?

EB: personally i guess im just not sure what to think anymore..

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an idle troll! --

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  ectoBiologist [EB] \--

TG: hey john

EB: dave.. i don't know if i want to tak to you right now..

TG: i know

TG: youre probably pretty furious

TG: and you have every right to be

TG: but like

TG: before you decide to never talk to me again or whatever

TG: i at least want to say something first

EB: …. okay

TG: and uh

TG: can you like forward these to karkat too or something

TG: he blocked me

EB: i guess

TG: cool thanks

TG: so um

TG: first of all ive been a huge dick

EB: yeah, i know!

TG: yeah

TG: fuck

TG: but listen i just want you and karkat to know that i legitimately do feel remorseful about this

TG: i know that probably doesnt mean much and just sounds like im trying to sweet talk you into not being mad at me but im being serious i swear

TG: and honestly im not going to ask you to not be mad at me

TG: you have every right to be mad after the shit i pulled and if you dont want to get back together i respect that

TG: i just wanted you to know that im gonna come up with a plan to stop cheating

TG: im really serious too i talked to jane and shes gonna help me fix this

TG: but in the meantime i just wanted to say that im really truly sorry and that im actually gonna take steps and fix my problem

EB: thanks dave..

EB: i really do appreciate the apology, but.. i just dont think i want to get back together with you after all this.

TG: .. okay

TG: thats fair

TG: are we still friends tho

EB: yeah i guess we can still be friends.

TG: cool

TG: and sorry again

EB: apology accepted :B

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  ectoBiologist [EB] \--

\--  ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

EB: so karkat, dave apologised and wanted me to forward it to you as well!

CG: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR HIS PATHETIC APOLOGY, I'M NOT GOING TO LET HIM SLIME HIS WAY BACK INTO DATING ME.

EB: uh well i dunno, his apology actually seemed pretty sincere to me!

CG: …

EB: let me just forward the messages and you can decide for yourself what you think

CG: OKAY.

EB: Fwd: so um

EB: Fwd:  first of all ive been a huge dick

EB: then i told him i knew.

EB: Fwd:  yeah

EB: Fwd:  fuck

EB: Fwd:  but listen i just want you and karkat to know that i legitimately do feel remorseful about this

EB: Fwd:  i know that probably doesnt mean much and just sounds like im trying to sweet talk you into not being mad at me but im being serious i swear

EB: Fwd:  and honestly im not going to ask you to not be mad at me

EB: Fwd:  you have every right to be mad after the shit i pulled and if you dont want to get back together i respect that

EB: Fwd:  i just wanted you to know that im gonna come up with a plan to stop cheating

EB: Fwd:  im really serious too i talked to jane and shes gonna help me fix this

EB: Fwd:  but in the meantime i just wanted to say that im really truly sorry and that im actually gonna take steps and fix my problem

EB: and thats what he said.

CG: …

CG: I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO THNK ABOUT IT FOR A WHILE.

EB: okay

\--  ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\--  carcinoGeneticst [CG] began trolling  gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

CG: HEY, JANE.

GG: Hi Karkat!! To what do I owe the honor?

CG: I NEED TO TALK ABOUT DAVE.

GG: Okay, shoot!

CG: I ASSUME YOU KNOW ABOUT THE WHOLE TWO-TIMING THING?

GG: I sure do.

CG: I JUST, I GUESS I NEED SOME ADVICE.

CG: PRETTY FUNNY, HUH? ME GOING TO SOMEONE FOR ROMANTIC ADVICE?

CG: BUT ANYWAYS HE APOLOGISED TO ME AND JOHN.

CG: I'M JUST NOT SURE HOW SERIOUSLY TO TAKE HIS APOLOGY. I STILL REALLY LIKE HIM AGAINST ALL FUCKING COMMON SENSE, BUT I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN'T LET HIM SCREW ME OVER. JUST, HE TALKED TO YOU ABOUT «REFORMING HIMSELF» RIGHT?

GG: Yes.

CG: WHAT DO YOU THINK ARE THE CHANCES OF HIM ACTUALLY GOING THROUGH WITH THAT?

GG: Hmm. I most definitely can not predict the future, but when he talked to me at least, he really did seem like he'd learned a lesson and was willing to try and fix things.

GG: I will remind you that you still don't have to forgive him no matter what! And you definitely don't have to get back together with him. In fact, if I were you I would never talk to him again.

GG: But I at least think he really plans on trying the plan I suggested.

CG: REALLY?

GG: Yes.

GG: Something tells me that you're still very in love with him and plan to get back together, so just let me say one thing.

GG: Make sure that when you make that desicion, you're using your head, not just your heart!

CG: YEAH, OKAY.

CG: THANKS A LOT, YOU REALLY HELPED CLEAR SOME STUFF UP FOR ME..

GG: I'm glad.:B

GG: Good luck Karkat!

CG: THANKS.

\--  carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

\--  turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: oh hey you unblocked me

TG: listen i really need to talk to you ive been such a dick

TG: or i guess thats kind of an understatement really but i just want you to know how legitimately sorry i am for everything

CG: CAN IT.

TG: uh

CG: I DON'T WANT YOUR CHEAP FUCKING APOLOGIES. YOU CAN'T MAKE UP FOR WHAT YOU PUT ME THROUGH.

TG: yeah..

CG: LISTEN, OKAY? YOU HAVE BEEN THE MOST EGOTISTICAL, SOCIOPATHIC BASTARD I HAVE EVER MET. YOU CODDLED ME AND PRETENDED TO CARE ONLY TO TAKE THE LARGEST FUCKING DUMP ON ALL MY FEELINGS AND LEAVE ME IN THE  
PROVERBIAL GUTTER TO ROT.

TG: i wasnt pretending to care i promise

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TAKE THIS!!!

TG: …

CG: I HAVE BEEN THROUGH MY FAIR SHARE OF ABUSIVE AND NEGLECTFUL RELATIONSHIPS ALREADY. TAKE GAMZEE FOR EXAMPLE. IT SEEMS EVERY ROMANTIC ENDEAVOR I MAKE JUST SOMEHOW ENDS UP WITH ME GETTING RUINED TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.

CG: I'M HONESTLY SICK OF IT, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS KIND OF SHIT ANYMORE.

CG: KARKAT FUCKING VANTAS IS OFFICIALLY DONE GETTING PLAYED!!

TG: …

TG: yeah of course

CG: THAT ALL SAID, I REALLY DO CARE ABOUT YOU. THE LOVE I FEEL FOR YOU IS FUCKING REAL, AND AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT I STILL WANT TO DATE.

CG: JUST KNOW THAT I FULLY PLAN ON HOLDING YOU ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR SO-CALLED «REFORM PLAN». YOU BETTER BE FUCKING WORKING ON THAT, AND THE MOMENT YOU STEP OUT OF LINE AGAIN I'M GONE FOREVER, NO EXCEPTIONS.

TG: yeah of course fuck

TG: i was serious about that i promise i know ive got problems and ill fix them

CG: GOOD.

TG: and hey.. i honestly do love you okay

TG: just know that even through all my bullshit i was never lying about that

TG: honestly i was kind of unsure at first but youre really really fucking important to me and thats why im going to make things better

CG: …

CG: SO, WHAT ABOUT JOHN?

TG: he broke up with me for good

CG: OKAY.

TG: karkat

CG: ?

TG: i love you <3

CG: I LOVE YOU TOO. <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's all folks! I'd like to sincerely thank anyone who actually stayed with me through the unecessarily long time it took me to finish this. It really means a lot that people actually care about this fic.. And thanks too if you're reading this now that I've finished this. I'm so glad aah ;u;


End file.
